It has been a difficult year, and as it winds up, this particular holiday is poignant to me, now more than ever. Due to a misunderstanding, I will be sharing the holiday with only one of my two children. Yet, on Facebook, in my emails, and in my researching, I have come to realize that the connectivity, each of us to one another, is incredibly important to me.

Both of my children have grown to be fantastic people. What a blessing that is! My daughter is a joyous mother, and a creative and talented woman. My son is a kind, sensitive man, the kind every woman wants in her life. My husband of almost 36 years is gentle, caring and loving – a marvelous companion and friend.

I have so many dear, dear friends who love and cherish me in return. Joan (and her hubby John) has been my friend for over 40 years, good times and bad. She knows me. She understands me. She appreciates me – even my punny whimsical side! And there is Follette, Rabia, Joyce, Madi, Deb and Drake… each so unique, each so special. I can remember such good times with them all, four who were originally just Internet buddies!

I know that in expressing my blessings, I am teaching my mind and heart to negate the bad things that have happened this year and to embrace those bad things as growth opportunities and chances to create a loving life for myself. It has been so hard to continually think positive when life becomes a struggle, and I have definitely lapsed on occasion!

I hope my readers find time tomorrow (Thanksgiving Day) to express their gratitude in writing, verbally or however they can (cuddle the dog!) so that hearts open to possibilities, to enrichment, to creativity and to growth.

Blessings to you all!

      Today I began a new journey, turned over a new leaf, and opened a new doorway into my future. The path has been long – some 26 years in the conscious making – and of course, in actuality, a lifetime to traverse. I first felt the niggling to creativity, to embrace passionate movement and to express those passions and creative urges when I turned 40. I still considered myself a “young” mother then, with a 10-year-old son and a 12-year-old daughter. I had already trod many directions trying to establish who I was, am, wanted to be. Pre-school teacher, writer, newspaper carrier, writer, baker, food-preserver, herbalist, writer. Novels started and novels given up on. A major move across country in 1997 when I was 45 was fueled in part by that drive to find myself, as well as an urge to escape who I did not want to become. I made great, meaningful friends there in Tennessee, friendships that will last my life and beyond. For those I am grateful. And in that time, I cared for my one-in-a-million mother, until her death.

            Even so, my path was not there, only a way station in my journey to self. Back in California in 2005, minus my beloved mother and my gall bladder, both events in 2005 acting as catalysts to propel me homeward. I needed some things, some people in order to be whole. My daughter and son, both back in California, were grown, with lives and homes of their own, but I wanted to be a part of those lives, however peripherally. I wanted as much interaction and connection with my adored grandsons as possible. I wanted to be within hailing distance of my dearest and best friend, and to be able to meet with my sisters regularly, to talk and reminisce about our parents. My husband and I with the infatuation of young marriage spent have settled into a joyous and ever-evolving love, learning to be mature adults together. Health is sometimes an issue, and money a concern, but rather than focusing on the negatives, I felt the urge to dance sky clad, listen to music and to my own drummer. I attempted to re-enter the job market as an employee of Girl Scouts, and though the work was fulfilling, and the people dedicated and interesting, it was not the right match. I needed something else…yet unknown.

            One of my favorite movies of all time is a Walter Mathau/Elaine May movie called A New Leaf.  In it, Walter M. plays a ne’re-do-well out of money, looking for a quick marriage to provide the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed. Elaine M. is the perfect foil. A ditzy but wealthy botanist, she accepts Walter’s marriage proposal, and they honeymoon in the wilds, looking for rare plants. Upon finding an unknown fern, she names it for her husband, thereby fostering the creation in him of “a new leaf” in his life. I love the concept of the movie – unexpectedness in life often helps turn over a new leaf! And so it has been for me – the unexpected, the revelation and the motivation to rewrite the script called “This is Your Life!”

            Three pivotal things created the impetus for me – watching the silly movie “My Mother’s Boyfriend,” reading a delightful book (several actually but mainly this one) “Eat, Pray, Love,” and reconnecting with Jennifer Louden, the Comfort Queen. I had written some articles for Jennifer, some 6-8 years ago, for her website www.comfortqueen.com and found her philosophies and encouragement exactly what I needed.

            This latest evolution of me is focused on a redevelopment of spiritual seeking, time for meditation and introspection, time for family, time for crafts and developing new ideas, and of course, time to write. I don’t feel motivated to write a book (at least, not yet!) but rather a form of journaling, blogging, and note taking as I read. I belong to three review sites for which I do monthly book reviews, in exchange for books. I don’t work outside the home any more, but work at my own business, as a writer, researcher and editor. 

            What do I expect to achieve from this growth? Absolutely nothing! I am content to let it be what it is, and enjoy the process, without over-thinking or over-analyzing the purpose or value of the path. I am opening myself to enjoyment without guilt, passion without depletion, energy without sugar! (I am also a recently diagnosed diabetic!)

            Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross
            to see a fine lady upon a white horse
            Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
            and she shall have music wherever she goes

            Join me on the ride to exploration  ~ ~ turn over a new leaf!

I am always finding quotes online, in books, on bookmarks, on Tee-shirts – everywhere I look – that seem to be written specifically for me! I sent one to my best friend Joan today – that I read at the bottom of Susan Wittig Albert’s blog…

“If you can’t find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it? “                            Dogen Zenji, circa 1250

Of course, this in its turn reminds me of other quotes – movie quotes, for example… Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland) in the Wizard of Oz, chanting with her eyes closed, and her heels clicking together -

“There’s no place like home, There’s no place like home…” This is the “going home” scene, where Dorothy remarks to her Oz friends that she has learned something in her time in Oz:

“…if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with! “

Do you think Frank Baum read or knew of Dogen Zenji? Why are the quotes that stick in our minds and hearts those that react within us on such visceral levels? There are obvious answers to that musing, but I feel that is more like (another quote!!) “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.” We have a need, that the quote fits, a need that we may not have even addressed consciously yet. Nonetheless, with quotes, sayings, movie dialog, and other external niggles, we are brought to a realization that someone, somewhere, is trying to tell us something!

So what is Dogen Zenji reaching out over the centuries to tell me? Perhaps that it is a big world out there, and I need to focus on my only little patch of life, searching for the truth that is me. I think we would all like to think that we can have a profound impact on the world – why else would so many struggle to be known and valued in politics, religion, show business and publishing? It seems to be an innate desire to have the world say, “yes, I see you, yes, you are important…” Yet the reality of it is that we are as individuals likely to have an impact on a very small circle of people. Our families and friends will remember us when we are gone - but for the moment, we need not focus on externals, on the who’s who of the world, but on our own profundities.

In order to feel at peace with myself in the NOW, I need to continue to feed my soul with whatever reverberates for me – quotes that increase my consciousness, ideas that force me to expand my thinking, books, movies, music that moves my spirit to act, and react, to life itself. I believe very firmly and definitely that growth and education is a lifelong process. I am not alive, vital, or useful unless I can evolve, learn, experience and share my path with others. THEREIN is my responsibility as a woman, a parent, a spouse, a friend, a human being. Fame and glory are not things to seek, but byproducts of reaching for the life you were meant to live. They may or may not occur. They probably won’t! But nonetheless, each step we take on our own path is like the butterfly’s wings (“The fluttering of a butterfly’s wings can effect climate changes on the other side of the planet” – Paul Erlich) and can have an impact of which we are not even aware.

Now – for two of my favorite quotes EVER!

“Luck is that which happens when preparedness meets opportunity” – this was my father’s favorite quote. I can’t find any attribution for it, and it has been stated in different ways, but it was my father’s philosophy in life.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” – John Lennon. I love Lennon quotes. He often rankled and irritated, which I believe was because he was usually right on!

I don’t sleep well these days. It is 3 AM now, and I am up, wandering rather aimlessly through my new little cottage my son-in-law built for us. (dh and me) I should be unpacking (we are in the process of moving in) or doing something that feels like work, but I don’t wanna! What is with my generation and the “hafta, shoulda” thing? Or is it more a trait of getting older, and not wanting to conform any more to my own expectations, or those of others?

I can’t say I am a big fan of getting older. My beautiful daughter turned 28 yesterday.  She isn’t all that happy about being “almost 30.” Wow. I would love to be almost 30 again! or better yet, almost 25 – childless, both parents still living, happily married, few aches and pains, and fewer worries about money, time and hafta shoulda… and yet, I love my children deeply. And my husband of 34 years. Maybe I shouldn’t have lumped them in a sentence with my parents (my dad has been gone almost 30 years, since 1978, and my mom since 2005. I miss them. always will.) or aches and pains. Do my orphan status or my aches and pains define me now? Or does my place on the planet as the parent of grown children, young grandchildren, and an almost life-long marriage provide some kind of buffer to that rather stark definition of self?

Fascinating what thoughts come blithely strolling through my consciousness in the middle of the night.  For instance, I muse upon the many facets of happiness – and how I can continue to create my own path(s) and maintain some semblance of happiness as I age. Am I happy? Yes, most of the time. I like my sense of humor as a way of getting through the rougher moments. I appreciate my own sharp sense of wit, and my ability to create laughter in others. It is a good trait! I like my life – its gentle path through part-time work, volunteerism, grand-parenting, and special times with dh. I like not having to get up for early morning feedings of babies, or getting up when I hear my mother wandering. Now I get up when I can’t sleep, and create mini-worlds for myself; writing, crafting, reading, pondering issues the busy daylight hours prevent. Listening to the rain on the roof, and thinking about gardens, the upliftings of pale new seedlings to the thirst-slaking water, drinking in the sustenance as my mind and heart drink in the solitude and darkness of the night.

ReaderWoman Writes!

For those who know me, ReaderWoman is but one of my personas… and today I decided to join the blogging revolution. Watch this spot for my opinions on every subject under the sun that is interesting to me, (and hopefully to you!) including but not limited to sex, religion and politics!

A bit about me… I am a middle-aged woman (okay, okay, I am probably not going to live to be 110, but I prefer being “middle-aged” to being, uh, “senior” “aging” or other euphemisms for old fart!) living in California, where I was born and raised. A short blip on my location radar put me in beautiful middle Tennessee 9 years, but I am back now, and moving forward with an interesting life. I am a mother (of two, Becca 28 and David 26) a wife (of Ed, whose age is of no interest) a writer (of just about anything) and always and forever, a reader. That last sentence was not in any particular order, BTW, but just as the thoughts flowed from brain to fingers – listing the things I am, that I love, and that make me who I am.

I write reviews for www.myshelf.com, have written for Jennifer Louden’s fabulous www.comfortqueen.com site, and work with several other women on their websites, writing endeavors and business gigs. I am all about women, being one, supporting all, and creating a constant environment of positive creative flow for the women around me.

My goal is to write here as often as possible – sometimes just to post a quote, sometime with some long, loud and pithy (or pissy!) monologue. I look forward to your comments, and to having a blog worth returning to, time and time again!

Happy Trails – Enjoy!